This Lonely World
by sister-forever
Summary: Leukemia. A chronic disease which she has been fighting all by herself these years. Why wouldn't the doctors just let her go in peace? And why don't Fate just reduce her already-reduced lifespan? That way she can finally vanish from the surface of this lonely world without a sound, without any traces. To Die is her one and only wish.
1. 52 weeks

**Disclaimer – I do not own KHR and neither do I own the song "Darkness eyes" by DBSK/TVXQ (a huge fan of them, woohoo).**

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**Twelve Months**

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How many years has it been… since the day she last stood on her own feet? How long has it been… since the last time she ever had a true friendship with another person her age for a period longer than 2 to 3 weeks? When was the last time she had been out of this bed?

Sophia recalls back. It should be about 2 or 3 years ago since she last got out of the bed and walked on her two feet. It should be about ten years since she was hospitalized for being a host of an incurable disease; for hosting chronic lymphocytic leukemia.

And as for having lasting friendship, it's all nothing but a distant concept to her.

Friends? Whatever would she need them for? She knows that she would be nothing but dust and ashes in the future and it's all a matter of time. In fact, she hopes that the time would come soon and claim her pitiful soul that is begging for rebirth. It has been more than enough for her. Therapies after therapies, specialists after specialists – this never ending vicious cycle that doctors use to try 'keep her alive' is nothing but a torture for her.

Why won't they stop for once and let her go in peace? She doesn't understand. One less person on this ugly face of the world means one less person to feed. All those food and money wasted to 'try keeping her alive' would be more of use to those hungry children in Africa or something.

_Why?_

A knock on the door interrupts her thoughts and someone familiar enters.

"Oh, it's you," she says without emotions as a teen boy walks up to her bed. The boy nods silently and places a thick book gently on her lap. Sophia picks up the book and reads the title out loud, "The encyclopedia of Physics…" and she flips the book to the back cover, "… 49 dollars and 99 cents. Hey, did you steal this book or something?"

"No," the boy states flatly, his facial expression never once change even though his sister just accused him. "As a matter of fact, I got myself a fairly high paying job."

The patient burst out laughing. "You? Got a 'fairly high paying job'? What in the world were you hired for? Do you really get paid to piss someone off?" She pauses for a moment and then she adds, "Just out of curiosity, who hired you?"

The boy with the big frog hat remains silent throughout the whole tease. And when his sister finally cools down, he says, "Varia – an assassination squad in the underground community."

Once more, she starts to laugh out loud again, till her sides starts to hurt, "Oh, yeah. Your boss is some retarded person with guns and wouldn't hesitate to blow someone's brains off. And your direct supervisor is some asshole who loves to give commands."

Fran stares at her unemotionally and nods.

Her laugh dies down and she collects her composure, "Okay, whatever. Just don't get yourself caught, kay?" Her brother gives her another nod and Sophia dismisses her brother, claiming that he is now disturbing her 'meditation' time, which he is more than happy to comply with.

He never likes to visit his noisy sister.

When the door clicks shut, all of her tense muscles relax subconsciously. These kinds of visits, especially with Fran, or any form of human interaction always make her uneasy. Sophia wonders if she could ever live up to the fake personality that she has created in the future, when she is no longer as energetic as she is now. The all-too-bright smile and the all-too-cheerful laugh that she always had when people talked to her are constantly draining away her already limited energy.

But that doesn't seem to stop her from doing it. In fact, she hopes that it would drain away the number of days or months or years left in her lifespan. Her current way of living is just too pitiful to ever continue for the rest of her remaining months/years. There are countless of times that she hopes to find herself not being able to open her eyes the following morning.

However, fate just doesn't let her have it her way. The irony in life states that the more one wants something, the more likely one doesn't attain it. And of course, it applies to her as well.

If she was to die slowly and lonely as fate wants, why not just let it be?

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_I seek in the dark because there is no light here, and the feelings deep in my heart have died_

_There's darkness on my eyes, so I'll continue wondering in the valley of dreams_

_I search for answers that I couldn't see yesterday, today, or tomorrow_

_Where should I... Where on earth should I go?_

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**Okay, I was inspired by the show called '1 litres of tears' and decided to write a tragic story. I decided to add an OC in because I couldn't bring myself to curse one of the KHR characters with some incurable disease. Oh, what a kind person I am. For that, can you give me a review with a cherry on top please?**

**Fine, fine, I know this is a short chapter to the extreme (Ryohei, anyone?), but I just want to see what you people think about this idea and if I should continue… or to just chuck this in one of my folders and to be forgotten for eternity. Oh well. I shall stop here. Do give me a heads up if you think that I should continue. Thanks (:**


	2. 51 weeks

Disclaimer – I do not own KHR, the song (Hao Xin Fen Shou) by Wang Lee Hom and neither did I translate the song.

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**51 weeks**

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She sighs to herself as she stares at the ever-changing blue and white picture framed by the windowsill. Everything seems to be so peaceful around her; everything but herself. She doesn't want to do anything, but then again, she is bored – especially with that encyclopedia that her stupid brother 'bought'. Why does he have to choose PHYSICS of all topics?

She grumbles, but no one is there to listen as usual.

What is the point of grumbling when no one is going to do something about it, she wonders to herself. If complaining all by herself would make the book's content to change, then would complaining about the disease in her body make it change too? Or maybe make it disappear?

Better yet, would complaining about her existence in this world make her disappear? If so, she hopes that millions of people would complain to whoever that is about her miserable existence in this world. However, her 'fake personality' is too optimistic for anyone else to even have the heart to talk bad about her. And for this, she hates herself.

Or maybe, maybe she could just look at this in a more 'positive' way. Like… let's say the disease cannot survive without her (duh~), like a guy is clinging onto a girl and the girl obviously hates his guts… And then, the girl mercilessly dumps the guy.

_Were you really surprised? Were you speechless? No, you heard right…_

_I said I wanted to break up _

_Used to be under your spell… like an innocent sheep_

As if one could dump an incurable disease as easily as breaking up with someone. But if one could do something like that, wouldn't life be interesting? Imagining that she is the dumper and the disease is the dumpee, Sophia enjoys the idea thoroughly.

_Looking back, being with you has never brought me any happiness_

_We've gone through so much together…_

_I suspect that there will not be any happiness if I continue to be with you_

_I don't have the strength, let's not linger any longer, just set me free_

Then an idea sparks in her mind all of a sudden. If grumbling doesn't make the cancer cells disappear, why not just beg it to stop? Wait, that would make her seem as if she is really desperate. No begging it is then.

_All my work has been for nothing_

_The past years and months have not been spent joyfully_

_To continue out of habit does us both no good_

_If we must suffer, why don't I just break it off now?_

What about try reasoning with the disease? Maybe if the disease can understand her feelings, it would set her free for eternity. Maybe fate would pity her and reduce her already-reduced life span. She feels that she has lived too long, or at least longer than all of the doctors' expectations. She has been so sure that she would find herself not being able to wake up in the morning, but each and every time she always does. Why doesn't fate just set her free?

_Are you unwilling to be the first one to be dumped?_

_If you were in my place, would you be able to take it?_

Being confined in this hospital like a prisoner of illness for ten years, wouldn't it seem like it is enough? Fate has taken away almost everything from her, not that she has anything in the first place, but she would have if the disease hadn't taken over her body.

She faintly remembers those days, probably when she was in kindergarten, she has friends. Friends, what are those again? People whom you can smile and laugh with or tell secrets to? Or is it just nothing but a sickly dream that comes to haunt her once a while?

_I've endured the loneliness many times_

_My heart has had enough and is afraid…_

Afraid? What is she afraid of? Is she afraid of the constant disappointment that she would get when she finds herself staring at the dull ceiling the next morning again? Is she afraid of the endless torment that she would have to endure when the rehabilitation is no longer effective? Or is she just afraid… of being afraid?

_If the suffering is so great, let's not tarry any longer_

_Please just let me go_

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She wakes up again, for the 1735th time since the date in which she was supposed to be incinerated and buried. Staring blankly at the clock, Sophia silently estimates the number of hours in which she has been asleep for. Thirteen… Fourteen… Fifteen hours in total and it has yet to beat her record of twenty consecutive hours. Well, it's just five hours short.

Just as she is about to close her eyes again, she hears several other snores coming from various directions of the ward. They must have moved in here while she is asleep yesterday, she tells herself. Oh well, guess she will be having company for the next week or so. Sophia doesn't really care about that, or actually, she couldn't be bothered with it. To her, this is just part of the vicious cycle that fate just have to put her in.

New patients move in, they make friends with each other, one heals and the other one don't, the healthy one promises to visit her sometime later, but in the end its nothing but lies.

But still, that doesn't stop her from checking out who her new roomies are. There are three new patients – two guys and one girl. She wonders if they are all related somehow, since all three of them got transferred into this ward together. Her imagination wanders and she chuckles quietly to herself.

Most likely one of the guys is the girl's boyfriend, and the boyfriend must have caught the girl cheating on him with the other person. Of course there has had to be some big argument which leads to a massive fist showdown. And the girl must have been caught in between.

That's no wonder all three of them are hurt so badly. Geez, that girl is truly awesome being able to manipulate two guys to fight over her like that. Even though it solves the mystery of their existence in this hospital, another comes up – Which one is the boyfriend and the stronger one?

Obviously the boyfriend has to be the slightly weaker one, if not why would she even be cheating on him in the first place? Sophia ponders for a moment. One of them is slightly slimmer than the other, slimmer guy has shorter black hair while the other has longer bleached hair. In terms of physical appearance, Sophia concludes that the one with the traditional Japanese look is the boyfriend and the one with the gangster look is the extra one.

Yes, that must be it.

But seriously, Sophia can't quite understand why that girl would cheat on the traditional looking guy. Well, she is certain that she wouldn't if she was her. But then again, she could see why the female patient would prefer the gangster guy than the other one. For one, her hair is dyed purple and she has a skull eye patch on.

She supposes that gothic girls prefer guys with the same 'style' as theirs.

Hibari's eyes open for the first time and look around the room in silence. For some reason, he feels as if someone has been staring and staring at him while being asleep for quite some time. And apparently, he is correct when his eyes lock with another person's – in which that person, she, immediately diverts her gaze someplace else. He glares at her for another second before heading out of the ward.

During that split second whereby their eyes meet, Sophia is sure that her skin is getting bumps (and if she hadn't had gone through chemotherapy which makes her lose hair, she is absolutely sure that the hair on her neck would be standing too). Getting caught staring by a total stranger is embarrassing for her, especially since that isn't what she was planning look at him for _that _long in the first place. It's just that it has been a long time since she last saw someone decent looking.

Just to clarify, her retarded younger brother (Fran) and those horrible doctors are never worth considering in the first place… especially _**DR. SHAMAL.**_

Being in this hospital for ten years, she could have easily seen most – if not, all – of Dr. Shamal's dirty jokes, tricks, and whatever else there is. And she can vouch that most of them are not even worth mentioning.

Oh, she would have to warn the new female patient of that doctor with raging hormones later. At the mean while, she is bored to the extreme. She doesn't want to touch that physics encyclopedia that retarded Fran 'bought', but then again, there isn't anything else to do.

And so, she flips open a physics book for the first time.

But still, she is bored – probably even more than before. Before she realizes it, she starts to flip through the thick book only to look at the pictures. At least, to her, this is much better than reading the chunks of texts that mean absolutely nothing to her – and they will probably never mean anything to her as of now and in the future.

Her brown eyes scan the room above her book. The remaining two are still sleeping, which means more boring time alone. The first one, who is the more decent looking one, to wake up has already left the room, slightly more than an hour ago. Probably he is agitated by having to share the same room as his rival.

Even though Sophia is excited about having all of the beds in the ward filled, she has no plans to take part in the events that may take place here in the next week or two. She is contented being an observer. Naturally anyone would be eager to have the best seat in the house for any sort of drama after being bored almost 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, right?

And besides, the synopsis of this up-coming play isn't that bad either. At least it is not about financial issues, sniffing parents hugging a child who has just undergone a surgery, or family politics. For her, she has seen more than enough of those kinds of things.

Yada yada yada. Money this, money that. I owe this person this amount of money, you owe me that amount of money. Or else it is, "Oh my brave child, we prayed so hard for you. You have no idea how many churches we went to…" blah blah blah. If not, it will be, "Oh, grandfather! I am your eldest son, so I will inherit most of your assets, right?"

People are just so weird sometimes. What use can money do for anyone other than putting bread and butter on the table? Can it buy you the amount of time that you've wasted in your life? Can it buy back the soul of someone who just passed away? Can it buy happiness?

Sophia doesn't think so. Then, why do people want to gather a huge pile of that green paper for?

She doesn't know, and neither does she want to know.

To be honest, the only thing she is grateful for towards this disease feasting on her body is that it teaches her to look beyond the superficial things that always seem to occupy people's minds. Without this disease in her body, she would most likely be like the other human beings – ugly human beings.

Being orphaned since birth, Fran and Sophia were lucky to be adopted by a rich Italian – French couple who named them. After discovering that Sophia has leukemia, they were abandoned once more. That's when they were brought to Old Granny, who took them in.

Sophia doesn't really care about the number of times she has been abandoned, but for Fran's sake, she feels guilty even until now. The reason why they were abandoned by the rich couple was because she was diagnosed with an incurable disease, which puts the hygiene-freak lady into a state of panic – more like in a state of panic for _her own health _even though it is known world-wide that cancer is not contagious.

But still, that did not stop the couple from dumping her brother together with her somewhere isolated.

It isn't fair, but then again life is never fair to neither her nor her brother. No matter how much she hates her annoying brother, there's always this constant nagging guilt tugging the corner of her heart. Is this the reason why her soul can never leave her body?

_If you were in my place, would you be able to take it?_

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**Okay, it's another chapter done. I was listening to this song when I suddenly thought of an idea for this fiction, so you could say that this song inspired me to write this chapter. I might use more songs in the future chapters, so please feel free to drop some songs that you think might suit this story! **

**Don't be stingy and please review!**


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